I want to have your abortion
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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