he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
