true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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