Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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