yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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