i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
