Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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