you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
