Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
