Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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