the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
