In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
