shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
