Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
