He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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