i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
