Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
