Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
