the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
