I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
my being single is dangerous.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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