my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Terrible idea I love it
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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