Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
