I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
