anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
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Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me