Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He? As in you personified your dick?