May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
