Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
