I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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