Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
