I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
