How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
