Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
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Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
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Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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