it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
