I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i think my cat just said my name.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Panties = found
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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