Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
