I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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