I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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