I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
it was like eating out sand paper
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My vagina is officially offended.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
