You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
