Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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