Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
