I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
