I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
