the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
