my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
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I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
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Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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