we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
