My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
