my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
