I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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