My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
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it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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