he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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