Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
