Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
