I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
