it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
