shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
