The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
