guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm both gender and math confused
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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