I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
