who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
