Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I want her autograph on my taint
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Randomize
